Thoughts On Contradictions Within Mormon Doctrine, Culture, and History
In 2016 I found myself in a similar position as I had in 2013, but the rule of sequels is always go bigger with the sequel. And that's exactly what my wife did. She successfully pulled off a double life for several months. She did enough this time to surely be excommunicated, but she'd also …
Continue reading The Perfect Storm of Conditions For Apostasy – Part 6 Rebuilding A New Life
With the demands of my three callings and my leaders asking me to spend money I didn't have for my callings, I was feeling very burned out and frustrated. One November evening in 2015 I was watching TV and doom scrolling (looking at social media on my phone). I saw someone post on Facebook about …
Continue reading The Perfect Storm of Conditions For Apostasy – Part 5 Permission To Question
For a church that preached how important family is, I couldn't believe how often I was being expected to spend time or money away from my family. I was burned out and angry that so much was expected of me, and I didn't ask for any of it. Church responsibilities were demanding more and more from me all the time, and I was nearing my breaking point.
When I returned from the mission field I had a completely different belief in God than I did when I left. He was not as involved in the church or my daily life nearly as much as I'd been taught to believe. No, He would pop up for the real important things, but otherwise leave us free to exercise our judgement as best we could. That was a major takeaway for me. So it continued to bother me when others at church would tearily blare their testimony about the so-called "God of lost car keys". The God who cares so very much about you that He guided you to your missing car keys so that you wouldn't be late to work. The personal, coddling God, by whose grace it is you scored a touchdown. The vending dispenser God who would shower you with blessings if only you would but ask. The God who solves mundane, unimportant, banal first world problems in such a miraculous way, that one can't help but bare testimony of it at Open Mic Sunday.
In the church, and especially in the mission field, there's a lot prosperity gospel being preached if not outright, then subtly. Prosperity gospel is basically the idea that if you're super righteous and work really hard, God will dispense blessings from the Eternal Vending Machine in the sky. You will baptize people, you will become District Leader, you will train a new missionary, you will become Zone Leader, you will transcend all other missionaries to become the coveted Assistant to the President. All that is to say, that if you have a divine calling from God to serve as a leader in the mission, you achieved that title because of your obedience to the mission rules, the commandments, and God is pleased with your service. The unspoken understanding of the opposite is also true: if you're not advancing it's because you're lazy, disobedient, and out of favor with God.
The first time I can remember becoming disillusioned with church was in primary between the ages of 9-11. Because my family was so devout, even at a young age I was developing an encyclopedic knowledge of church history (the official whitewashed version), scripture mastery, and quotations of apostles and prophets. I knew the church was true because my parents told me it was. I knew almost every answer to every question the teachers asked because I was practicing at home for the Final Exam for when I stood at the Judgement Bar of God at the last day. I wasn’t going to allow my own ignorance to be the reason my ascension would be delayed, so I had to know everything I could to be as prepared as possible.
I Know Cognitive Dissonance Is True 